NOT a Parody

From Harper's Magazine:

SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED

From the website of You've Been Left Behind, a service that for a $40 fee provides customers who expect to be raptured the chance to send messages to loved ones on earth.

We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel. The unsaved will be left behind on earth to go through the tribulation period after the Rapture. You remember how, for a short time, after 9/11/01 people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseball's seventh-inning stretch.) Imagine how taken aback they will be by the millions of missing Christians and the devestation at the Rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be saved for the Kingdom of God.

We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and one last plea to receive Christ. You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. Our system will allow you to send documents by email, to addresses you provide, six days after the Rapture. This occurs when three of our five team members scattered across the United States fail to log in over a three day period. Another three days failsafe any false triggering of the system. In the encrypted portion of your account, you can give them access to you banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorney (you won't be needing them anymore, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so a probate court will take seven years to clear your assets to your next of kin. Seven years, of course, is all the time that will be left. So basically the Government of the Antichrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way. You can also send information based on Scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your plea to be remembered and a decision to be made. This is one last chance to bring the unsaved to Christ and snatch them from the flames!